Recently, I was on the plane home from an inspiring 3-day business conference and was working on the action plan we were asked to create before we got home. It entailed reviewing all the action items from my notes, prioritizing the top three that will have the greatest impact on my business, then goal setting for accomplishing each. As I worked, my mind turned to the value this would have for life planning.
Long ago before I declared a major in college I went through a similar exercise and at that stage in my life it was actually an earth shattering concept to realize that I could design a plan for how I wanted my life to be. If not for that plan I may not have managed to stay in night school for over a decade while working full time to support myself. Month by month, day by day I stayed on auto pilot to finish school while creating the career, marriage, home, and family I had visualized in that plan. That exercise was valuable because prior to it I was so absorbed in the everyday it never occurred to me to imagine what I wanted my life to look like 5, 10 or 20 years down the road.
“If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll end up someplace else.” – Yogi Berra
How many of us have ended up at a job or in a relationship through inertia? Maybe you were offered a job and you took it primarily because it paid well and had great benefits, or you stayed in a relationship that was making you miserable and later thought to yourself, “What am I doing here? I’m so unhappy.” And too often, we stay because it’s easier than going into the unknown. The unknown is scary, especially when we don’t know what we really want. Therein lies the lack of motivation we see in our emerging adult children.
I do not want that for my kids. They are in community college now. When they were in high school we exposed them as much as possible (as did most parents) to anything they showed interest in and drilled into them that they should find a career doing something they love and that can support their desired lifestyle. They have chosen majors, identified which Universities they want to transfer to and know what fields they want to enter. I figure that’s a good enough plan for now. But when it comes time for them to look for work I will walk them through these steps for designing the next chapter of their lives.
Step 1: Brainstorm
Write a list of everything you can think of doing that will make you feel deeply contented and alive. The rule in brainstorming is “no judgments”. Nothing is too big or little to put on your list.
(Emerging adults don’t always know what they want, so it’s important that they don’t feel rushed while working on this list. It’s also important for them to understand that this is not set in stone. It’s just an exercise to help them get outside of their everyday thinking patterns and tap into their subconscious and creative selves.)
Next, group like items together. They may fall into natural categories like Relationships, Lifestyle, Personal Development, and Career. Beware; looking at a new list of brainstormed wishes for your life can begin to feel stressful and overwhelming. Ideas are all over the place leaving you wondering where to start or which direction to go in. Not to fret…the next step provides guidance.
Step 2: Determine Your Values
In order to prioritize, you’ll need to determine your values. This requires some serious sole searching. To start, list all the things in life you value. These could be feelings, traits, things or people. Just get everything down on a list. Hyrum Smith in his book, What Matters Most tells a story to help determine what really matters most in your life. The short version goes like this: you are at the top floor of a high rise building. There is a 200 foot long, six inch wide metal beam leading to the top of another high rise and there is no safety net under the beam. It’s a rainy, windy day and the thing you value is on the other building and if you want it you must cross the I-beam for it. What would you cross the I-beam for? Your saving’s account? Your car? Your child?
This is NOT an easy exercise, especially if you are entrenched in activities that you now realize are not things you would cross the I-beam for. But for your adult child looking for direction, this will help filter out the wants from the needs and put her in touch with her “why”. In order to stay motivated to complete any goal we need to know why it’s important to us. If the “why” is in line with our values, a sense of purpose develops and our internal motivation is ignited.
Step 3: Set Goals
To start, set one goal in the area most important to you. I would caution against setting more than three goals at a time because we naturally resist change and can easily get overwhelmed when we try to make too many changes at the same time. Baby steps are the best way to create long-lasting changes in the way we operate.
Here’s a time-tested method for goal setting called the SMART method:
Specific: Be crystal clear on what it is you want to accomplish.
Measurable: How will you know when you’ve achieved it?
Achievable: Is it within the realm of reality to accomplish this goal? If you do not have the resources you how will you get them? Set milestone goals for obtaining them.
Relevant: How is this goal relevant to your life? What is your “why?”
Timely: When will you accomplish this goal?
Step 4: Create your action plan
Once you have identified a SMART goal you can build your action plan like this:
- List the actions you need to take in order to accomplish this goal. Then arrange them either in logical succession or in order of which will have the greatest impact on moving you forward, whichever makes sense for this goal. Put a date on each action item.
- Create a list of potential pitfalls or obstacles and determine how you will overcome each of them if they interrupt your progress.
- Make a list of resources you can go to for help along the way.
- Share your goal with someone you trust and ask if they will be your accountability partner. A goal becomes real once we declare to someone that this is what we are setting out to do. Give your friend permission to regularly check on your progress and hold you accountable for working through your action plan.
Step 5: Set yourself up for success
There are many ways you can keep your action plan and goal from falling into the abyss when life gets in the way.
- Create an inspiration board and place it in your work space or somewhere you can see it every day.
- Populate a calendar or planner with your action items and follow it daily.
- Write a positive quote or affirmation that gives you strength on a post-it and place it by your bed or on your mirror. Recite it out loud to yourself every time you see it.
- As you go to sleep at night visualize yourself successfully accomplishing each action item on your action plan.
- Build the habit of doing a weekly review of your progress. Determine what worked and what didn’t work that week and then adjust your approach for the next week accordingly.
A note about motivation
Lack of motivation can stem from issues such as depression, low self-esteem, drug abuse and probably a few other reasons that escape me at the moment. Some of these should be addressed with a qualified professional. But I’ve observed that the primary reason is simply a lack of direction, which is common with emerging adults.
Our capacity to be self-directed is largely dependent on our belief about our own ability to control our world. If your child has limited experience with rewards and consequences for following rules, or setting and achieving goals, she is at risk for letting life happen to her.
Through the process outlined above you can help your child develop confidence in her ability to control her world and get what she wants in life. She’ll begin to understand who she is and what’s most important to her. Starting with small goals in the beginning will give her the opportunity to feel success sooner. And celebrating every success is incredibly important to maintain momentum and escalate self-confidence.
Have fun with this process…set up a few coffee dates or spread a blanket at the park and enjoy this opportunity to support your child with a workable process and your positive and unbiased support. And please drop me a note below. I’d love to know how it goes :-).